not a better start //jordan

[RAYLENE NOELLE FAIRCHILD]

appearance

Ray had nearly walked past Jordan at the airport. It wasn't that she was so unused to seeing her (though that might've played a part,) it was just that she was always groggy and off coming off flights. Doing a double take, and before thinking anything of it, Ray gave her sister an weird one-armed hug.

And so commenced the awkwardness.

The ride home was short, but Ray didn't remember much of it anyway. At home, there were hugs. Then there was small talk. Feeling on edge and off, Ray was already feeling vulnerable. So it didn't take long for her to feel annoyed when her parents started commenting on the different colors in her hair. It was those small comments with the disapproving subtext that always got to her. However, she tried to be civil, which ended up with her giving short, vague answers. It was the best she could do.

Ray felt a little shy around Jordan at first - not having seen her in so long, the possibilities seemed endless. Maybe in their absence, they had both changed and their new selves could form a warm and tender relationship and they would drink and be merry in each others' company.

However, it seemed that there was one thing sisters could do without fail: get on each others' nerves as though no time had passed.

It started with who would drive. Jordan's go-to argument to everything, it appeared, was "I'm older." Ray, on the other hand, argued "I'm the better driver."

Jordan ended up driving. If she thought that that had also somehow given her the right to impose poor American music on Ray, then she was sadly mistaken.

Wordlessly and aggressively, Ray turned off the radio. It had been too long for her to remember what stations, in this country, she liked, and listening to nothing was far better than listening to her sister's music.

[JORDAN VALENCIA FAIRCHILD]

OUTFIT

Honestly, Jordan was glad to see Ray. They'd never been able to see eye to eye, but they were sisters, one year apart in age-- Irish twins as it was sometimes called. In any case, they fell right back into old patterns when she met her baby sister at the airport. The family time was interesting, to say the least. Jordan honestly like Ray's choice in hair dye but she wasn't completely sure what the rainbow hair was supposed to mean, if anything. They both spent a little time with their folks, who were happy to have the girls home again, but Jordan was anxious to find Hadley.

Granted, Hadley hadn't said anything was wrong, but she'd said not to look for her, which was practically the same thing. Jordan knew she'd been less communicative in recent years but she'd dropped out all together for a few weeks until that call and not a word since. Jordan was glad Ray had come to help, even if spending time with her sister was about as much fun as giving a cat a bath.

Jordan drove and by the time they'd gotten into Colorado, they were already out of easy small talk and had argued about the music. Jordan liked the radio, but she also had music on her iphone--like everyone else with a smart phone did. Half way through Britney Spears' and Will.I.Am's "Scream and Shout", Ray clicked off the radio.

Jordan pouted lightly. "Can't you not even let me finish the song?" She demanded, but she did not turn the radio back on. Ray did deserve a little quiet probably. Jordan squinted at the GPS. Once they got to the right county, what could they do? Call the number Hadley had used? Did she even have that phone anymore? Maybe check with the cops, or the hospitals? The day was getting late though, and Jordan figured their most pressing matter was where they should stay the night.

Jordan pushed back on the radio but before Ray could roll her eyes angrily, she changed the station to get the local traffic and weather. She didn't have any intention of sitting in traffic endless with Ray.

"There's a 40% chance of rain tonight, followed by sun tomorrow, reaching a high of 48 degrees... and now to Dick Barrett with the traffic."

"Why would anyone chose to go by the name 'dick'?" Jordan scoffed aloud, pausing to hear which turn on the freeway to take next.

[RAYLENE NOELLE FAIRCHILD]

“No, I can’t.” Ray retorted, as calmly as she could, and then explained, “I’ve reached my quota of vapid music for today.” Honestly, if she could have stood any more of the song, she would’ve let it play out until the end. That would’ve been common courtesy; but Jordan out to be thankful that Ray listened to as many songs as she did.

It wasn’t entirely Jordan’s fault for Ray’s bad mood – she was worried about Hadley, too. Part of her felt guilty for not being around when something was clearly up. Maybe she could’ve made a better effort to keep in touch and be there for her sister. No one knew exactly what was going on, but Ray was anxious and imagining the worst. And what if something really bad had happened? It would’ve happened while Ray was abroad being happy. That filled her with immense guilt, and she started wondering what kind of compromises she’d have to make in her own life to somehow both live how she wanted but also not feel like she was completely betraying her family. Imagining the things she’d have to give up was depressing her.

Sun tomorrow. That might be nice, Ray thought to herself staring out the window, her knees propped up on the dashboard. If there was one thing she wouldn’t miss about Cambridge, it was the weather. Fog, rain, sun – all could happen within an hour. You had to dress for anything.

Ray didn’t even seriously consider the question. Without looking away from the window, she asked, genuinely curious, “These are the things you think about?”

[JORDAN VALENCIA FAIRCHILD]

Jordan kept her eyes on the road but shrugged lightly with a roll of her eyes, even if Ray wasn't looking at her. "What? That's a reasonable question." She said. "No girl lets herself be nicknamed 'pussy'.. unless she's a hooker making a cat joke, double entendre kind of thing." Jordan figured it was more begign to talk about the names of radio personalities than to ask about her sisters love life, or cool things she'd seen in Europe lately. Ray would probably give her a short answer on anything personal or interesting, especially concerning boys, and then would offer too much philosophical brainy stuff about the UK. So really, what could she ask that would give her an answer she wanted to hear? Was there a topic she could bring up that Ray would even be marginally interested in? Ray didn't watch sports, or read People magazine. Hell, Ray probably didn't even know who Snooki was.

Jordan drove along the highway quietly, eyes scanning the signs. "Aspen, 48 miles." She read. A long way yet, but not too bad. But Jordan was now feeling worried about what to do when they got there. Hadley could have moved on, or something could have happened.

Just thinking about it made Jordan frustrated and she thumped a palm on the steering wheel. Jordan wasn't sure if she had to explain to Ray what she was thinking, they both loved Hadley. "I wonder if her fiance knows what happened... or is he the problem?" Jordan said aloud. "Oh Hadley, you better be here" She muttered, indicating to take the exit on the fastest route to Aspen.

[RAYLENE NOELLE FAIRCHILD]

Ray was frankly impressed that Jordan used “double entendre” in a sentence. And Jordan had said so casually that it couldn’t have been an attempt to show off. Ray suddenly felt really ashamed – had she really had such low expectations for her sister? In silent penance, she figured that maybe she could attempt to carry on the conversation.
“I think Dick was a common name before it meant penis, though. Probably passed down through families.” Ray countered, even though she didn’t know that for certain. It wasn’t exactly a topic she had ever looked into. “Which begs the question: should tradition change to accommodate the ebbs and flows of society?” That was actually a really interesting thing to ponder – Ray made a mental note of that. “I don’t think so. Anyway, pussy was never a common or legitimate name, so they’re not comparable.”

Ray looked up to read the same sign. She couldn’t help herself. “If I were driving, we’d make that in half an hour. Tops.”

When Jordan hit the steering wheel, Ray looked over concerned, wondering if her comment had sent Jordan over the edge. But then she understood. Looking down at her hands, Ray asked, quietly, “Do you think he hurt her?” It was something that occurred to Ray once in a while, but something she told herself was impossible. It seemed a little suspicious at least. She could understand herself becoming distant to her family – that didn’t come as a surprise to anyone. But Hadley was the perfect daughter and practically their second mother – she wouldn’t just … disappear. It just didn’t seem like that she would just do that, no matter how busy she could be.

Unfortunately, everyone knew someone who had had a bad relationship. Or seen it on TV, at least. Ray had known a few, and almost had one, in her experience. Some of the signs, she just knew instinctively. But to imagine that someone as perfect, as confident, as completely without flaw a Hadley could get caught up in something like that … it was unthinkable. And Ray felt embarrassed for even asking. Because asking "if he hurt her" was like the same as asking "if she let him hurt her". And that was like suggesting Superman wasn't actually bulletproof.

Ray amended her question. “Like, maybe it was a really rough break up and she wanted to get away.”

[JORDAN VALENCIA FAIRCHILD]

Jordan shrugged again. Maybe Ray was right. But all the same, names fell in and out of fashion depending on the time, why hadn't the nickname 'dick' been cycled out once it meant penis. No one was named Ethel, or Mildred anymore, surely those two had been family names. Jordan didn't feel like a long argument in any case, though she was sure she might be able to win. But she was trying to be civil and just said. "I think traditions do ebb and flow with society. Nothing stays the same forever, culture changes over time." Jordan wasn't really one for such debates, but she knew Ray thought she was an idiot and she was determined to prove that she wasn't an airhead.

Jordan didn't even bother to make some cracking about Ray breaking the speed limit, or how she was driving so it didn't matter how long Ray would have taken. Her thoughts were on Hadley and Ray had just spoken the awful idea that had been lurking in her mind. After a moment she said softly, "I don't know, but I'm worried that's the truth." Jordan looked over at ray before looking back to the road. As much as they fought, they were family and Jordan couldn't stand the idea of anything to happening to Hadley, or even Ray.

"The only way to know for sure is to find her, she hasn't been very specific on the phone." Jordan said as a new thought dawned on her:

Maybe she couldn't be specific. Maybe she wasn't allowed....



ooc- my grandmother goes by "Bambi" and her two best friends growing up were nicknamed "Pussy" and "Dodo" lmao

[RAYLENE NOELLE FAIRCHILD]

Raylene conceded the point by not arguing against it. But letting Jordan win the argument was going to mean that, as always, Jordan was one step ahead and Ray was the little kid left behind, trying to prove herself and failing. At least, that’s the sort of complex Ray had. “Traditions take longer, though. If they were as changeable as popular culture, then they wouldn’t mean anything anymore.”

She didn’t like that Jordan seconded her fears. That meant they were possible, and the thought of someone hurting Hadley made it feel like venom was coursing through her veins. Or maybe it was adrenaline from anxiety. Whatever it was, no matter how many controlled breaths Ray took, the poisonous feeling wouldn’t recede and her hands felt shaky.

“Well did you ask?” Ray asked, perhaps more forcefully than was necessary. Or did you just take her vagueness up front? She couldn’t help it – sitting there not knowing was killing her. Ray gritted her teeth, if Jordan just let me drive, then at least I could feel in control of something.

[JORDAN VALENCIA FAIRCHILD]

"But pop culture is what makes traditions," Jordan said, thinking about the first Thanksgiving or the Superbowl. It didn't occur to Jordan that Ray was trying to prove herself to Jordan, especially since she was trying to prove herself to Ray. In any case, traditions hardly seemed important when there was Hadley to think about.

"Was that tone really necessary?" She snipped. Of course she had asked, of course she tried to get Hadley home over the years for the holidays. Jordan had been the only one who had come home every year, alone with her parents, missing a part of herself. Jordan was more needy than she let on and she didn't like how her sisters could just up and move away and fade out of her life.

Jordan pushed her foot down on the gas pedel, letting the car speed up along the freeway. Thats what Ray really wanted right? But.... "What are we going to do when we get to Aspen? Its not like we know where she is." Jordan switched gears though, and in her practical mode also added, "And we need to find a place to stay, and grab dinner."

[RAYLENE NOELLE FAIRCHILD]

If it were any other person, Ray would enjoy the debate. The topic was actually very complicated and she could go on at length about the particulars. But having the debate with Jordan was actually off-putting and Ray was getting miffed that Jordan kept going, as though determined to prove Ray wrong and incompetent. “Whatever,” Ray mumbled, her mood thoroughly ruined. Part of her realized that her only two options for trip were A) either stay in a horrible mood, B) or resign herself to being completely and totally apathetic.

She went with the latter, receding into herself and letting go of her bad mood. I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care. She repeated to herself silently. In a moment, she felt the weight of her tension fade away like steam off her skin. The muscles pulling her face into a grimace loosened up. She watched idly from the window, feeling empty and apart from the world, but it was also pleasant – as though she had made herself completely defensible.

Jordan asked if her tone was really necessary. Ray shrugged lightly.

Ray was surprised when they sped up. The gesture somehow touched her and she glanced over at Jordan, wondering what her motivation was. But then Ray reminded herself that she didn’t care and looked back out the window.

She also reframed from criticizing Jordan for only now thinking about the practicalities. “It sounds like an exclusive place – people would probably notice a newcomer?” Asking around may be there best bet, which slightly annoyed Ray. She could only imagine her reception in such a pretentious, fancy place.

“Good luck to us,” she added dryly, “Finding anything reasonably priced in Aspen.”

[JORDAN VALENCIA FAIRCHILD]

Jordan noticed that Ray had stopped fighting her and sighed. She couldn't fix everything with her sister in a day though and she took the silence as good news, until Raylene started talking as if she wasn't really wrapped up in this plan too. "Maybe," Jordan said. Aspen was exclusive, but it wasn't small, and someone as pretty and smart as Hadley could figure out how to move around--if she was even still here. Technically, Hadley could be anywhere. But Jordan was in no rush to point that out to Ray.

"Well I've saved up a bunch from working and stuff," Jordan said. Not to mention their parents would loan them money for something as noble as finding Hadley. "And theres always cleavage." Ray was probably unfamiliar with the idea of flirting for favors or to get people to buy you things, but Jordan wasn't. They could probably eat on some one else's dime more often than not.

Before too long, they passed a sign that said 'Welcome to Aspen' and the main question in Jordan's mind was, 'what now?' and 'where to start?'.

[RAYLENE NOELLE FAIRCHILD]

Jordan’s response wasn’t exactly encouraging. ‘Maybe’ indicated lukewarm potential at best. Ray realized her suggestion didn’t have the makings of a master plan, and paired with her incredibly limited knowledge of Aspen, she started feeling useless. But for Hadley (and for Jordan ((and for herself, to an extent))) Ray knew she couldn’t give up. Like Jordan, she stepped into practicality mode, and the gears in her head starting turning at full speed.

“Okay, first we find a place to stay.” Ray affirmed, running her hand through her hair. “I’ve also got some savings.” She had her card and some cash, but granted that was still in pounds, so she’d have to get it exchanged. She ignored Jordan’s comment about cleavage entirely, that being an option she didn’t want to have to take. “Next we get a map – hotel should have them. We ask the desk clerk about hang out spots, attractions … basically get a layout of the place.” That had always been Ray’s first step anytime she visited a foreign city, and she had traveled so much that hotels became familiar territory for her.

Ray paused for a moment, running the possibilities through her head. “… And then we walk around. See where people work, where people live … where she could be?” And probably eat at some point.

[JORDAN VALENCIA FAIRCHILD]

Jordan stayed quiet at the wheel as they drove into downtown Aspen. Hadley wouldn't be up in the hills with all the rich people, she would start on the ground. Maybe working as a dishwasher in a fast food joint or something that might pay under the table---if she'd even gotten that far. It had been several days, but it was hard to say. Hadley could be anywhere, and she could have moved on by now, unless someone had given her a handout, or a place to stay or something.

Jordan pulled the car over into a parking spot and whipped out her cellphone. They as well do this the easy way. "Siri, find the cheapest hotels near my location."

"Working on it.... Here are some hotels close to you." The automated voice said, showing a list that mostly consisted of an upscale resort and a few slightly less expensive hotels, that were still not idel price wise. Jordan frowned and asked another question.

"Siri, are there any homeless shelters near my location?" Jordan figured it was worth checking, but the reply came back: No. Jordan turned to Ray. "No homeless shelters, so Hadley can't be there. All the hotels and resorts around here are pretty upscale.... we might have to share a bed to save money." Jordan said. It wouldn't be awful----hopefully it wouldn't be anyway.

[RAYLENE NOELLE FAIRCHILD]

Ray looked momentarily confused when Jordan parked and then also when she addressed Siri. Ray had never seen anyone, outside of commercials, actually talk to Siri. Something about it seemed so trendy and mainstream ... and rubbed Ray the wrong way. She raised her brows in a disappointed surprise and looked around. It was weird to be still after moving for such an extended period of time.

The automated voice was creepy.

For a second Ray thought that their options were so unattainable that Jordan had considered them staying at a homeless shelter. It was a baffling thought that lasted about a second, until Ray realized why Jordan had searched that.

Imagining Hadley in a homeless shelter was impossible. Ray couldn't even imagine how such a thought could enter Jordan's mind. "Hadley wouldn't be at a homeless shelter." she said, keeping her voice relatively even, but unable to keep from looking perturbed.

The suggestion really bothered Ray; even drowned out the possibility of them sharing a bed. Ray, in her ample travels, had roughed it worse than that with her friends, but the idea of it being with Jordan seemed like a nightmare. Between being stuck with her in a car and being stuck with her at night, Ray was starting to feel like there was no escape.

[JORDAN VALENCIA FAIRCHILD]

"She might!" Jordan snapped back. The pressure of trying to please Ray on top of worrying about Hadley was a bit more than she knew how to handle and she couldn't admit that. It did seem however, that she was on a roll. "How would you even know anyway? I'm the only one who came home for holidays, bothered to check up with anyone. You haven't been here, how do you know anything about Hadley or about me right now?" Jordan said quickly, frustrated and looking almost as scared and unsure as she felt.

In an effort to stop a fight that was probably about to break out, she turned off the car and tossed the keys to Ray before getting out of the driver's side, taking her sweet time getting around the car, trying to pull herself back together.

Jordan pulled open Ray's door and muttered. "The cheapest hotel I could find is the Mariot on Calton Road, wherever that is." And then she stood there, waiting for Ray to either launch a string of words at her about how she was off doing important things and how she still knew her sisters because she knew just about everything and Jordan was just a dub jock. Jordan figured the other alternative was for Ray to physically jump at her.

Jordan didn't dare hope that she would let it drop and just drive the car.

[RAYLENE NOELLE FAIRCHILD]

Raylene was alarmed by Jordan's reaction, unable to imagine what she could've said to deserve such a response. It was impossible after all - why was Jordan convinced otherwise? It was Jordan who ran around all their childhood in Hadley's footsteps; how could she be first in line to embrace the idea of their perfect sister's downfall? "She wouldn't be." Ray repeated stubbornly, not looking into Jordan's eyes, and perhaps saying it mostly to herself.

And then came a deluge of accusations. None of it sounded new - it was the same old shit about all the ways in which Ray was inadequate and how Jordan was better. It stung, all the same. Maybe more now because Ray had been feeling guilty about how infrequently she came back.

Her mind flashed to all those hours she spent, cutting out intricate shapes, flowers and balloons, and gluing them together onto cards she'd send out to her family. Part of her knew it probably wasn't enough. Part of her said that she ought to muster her courage and go back, and endure home for just a bit. But she was so scared of how that place made her feel - how insignificant.

After throwing the accusations, Jordan threw the keys, too. They landed on Ray's lap with a violent clang that got muffled towards the end because of her clothing. Ray looked down at them; looking at them was easier than looking at Jordan.

As Jordan meandered around the car, Ray clenched her jaw and unbuckled her seat belt - it was suffocating her. I am not going to cry. She felt her eyes watering, but she mustered all her self-control and took several deep breaths. The first few came out shaky, but soon they evened. Think of anything. Think of Keats! That'll work. That'll work.

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk...

The cadence in her head did help, and so did the imagery of numb intoxication. She composed herself, though when Jordan suddenly opened her door, Ray looked away, almost flinching, glancing up prepared for another verbal attack.

But it didn't come. Ray finally grasped the keys, holding them a bit too tightly so that the metal dug into her skin. Figuring this was her only opportunity to get a word in, lest Jordan start another tirade, Ray uttered, "And you wonder why I wanted to stay away," as she got out of the car.

She made her way over to the driver's side and got in. Turning on the car, she mumbled, "Just tell me where to go." Jordan to could talk Siri and Siri could give them directions and Jordan could avoid talking to Ray at all.

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains Ray thought as she started the car and put it into drive.



ooc- sorry this post took, like, days. I just felt it was a really important moment in Ray's development and their relationship, and I wanted to get it right =)